11:06PM - Pid-a-Loom-Poom-PAAAAAA

My stomach is full of tacos, and my shoulder really hurts. I'm wide awake and regretting the fact because of school in the morning. I didn't go today, I had a nail in my tire so thusly it was flat and of course it wasn't as simple as just changing the bitch. I've been missing home a lot lately. I miss my friends and all that used to be. I don't know if I was happier or not. I'm very confused. I don't know what I want. If I could have anything I still wouldn't know what I want. I'm usually so sure of everything, and lately I've just been drifting around. I wonder what everyone is doing now. How everyone is feeling. I don't know anything. I feel like there is the Maryland me and the Texas me. And they clash about every night before I go to bed. I just lay down and think for usually a hour or so. I feel kind of selfish. I'm thinking of everyone and I don't know if it's because I hope everyone is thinking about me. I miss absolutely everyone of you guys. I should be coming for a couple of days at the end of June, and I'm really looking forward to that. I miss my sister and my mother a lot. So much too say... I wish I could pull everyone of you aside and just talk to you. but I can't. I miss the butterflies.

Current mood: melancholy

Current music: This Lamb Sells Condos

2:02AM - i'm coming home.

approximately five more days until i come home. and i'm very excited about it. I can't wait to see my mom, gabby, weston, and everyone. mornings have been full of coffee, toast, school with retards and tests and many visits to the office. afternoons/nights have been filled with nothing but work. putting away glitter infested things gets real old after a while. and nights at home have been full of microwaved meals, drawings, swisher sweets, and late night television (which isn't so good). Tomorrow will be my first day off in about a week. But I have midterm testing. Which I should have been exempt from but because I was suspended I am forced to take. Then it is christmas shopping time. I like getting stuff for people when i know it will make them happy.
I've been playing a lot of chess lately. it is a magnificent game even though i keep getting my ass handed to me.
I read The Catcher in the Rye the other day and I liked it and i also read Cyrano De Bergerac and that was pretty good too. I liked it a lot more than I thought. I am currently reading The Canterbury Tales, and I don't know if I am going to make it through.
I've also been listening to a lot of Yanni. I really don't even know why, i just like it.
I think I'm getting a harmonica for christmas, which is fucking awesome. I want one so bad. I also think I am getting a copy of House of Leaves which will be some good fun.
I can't wait for wawa coffee, denny's, weston's basement, hours and hours in blockbuster, outback food, and to walk into Westlake.


P.S. Let's get crunk.

Current mood: relaxed

Current music: hip hop on the fucking radio

1:42PM

I drink the blood of only the palest christian babies.

2:13PM - I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

I miss home. I miss the 10th grade. My mom sent me a care package yesterday. It was filled with Gatorade, 2 cup of noodles, Cheese Wiz, Chicken in a Biscuit crackers, and sour gummy worms. All things I lived on in the tenth grade when I lived with her and everyday after school Weston and I would walk to my house and eat cup of noodles and pizza and watch the movies I got from netflix and just chill. It was simple. This place is killing me. I just want to see everybody and I know when they see me they'll know how much they mean to me by the expression of sheer joy on my face. I'm ready for Christmas.

Current mood: lonely

Current music: the mountain goats

12:37AM

poopypooppoopdadapoopiddypoopalalalaaaaaa.

Current mood: Demon

1:51AM

FUCK!

12:07AM - I Give Camels Black Eyes.

It's 12:00 and I am watching Conan.
Waiting for my clothes to dry.
Shouldn't have slept in and drank a energy drink.
THULSA DOOM TURNED INTO A SNAKE!
Things are very frustrating.
Two blown out tires within a week.
An illogical and selfish father.
A mother who wants nothing and everything to do with me, how she see's fit.
I don't get it.
I don't know what to do, I can't fight it.
But I still feel struggle.
Everything I have ever wanted in this place I have now.
And it is going to be gone.
It's a painful thought.
They don't even care.
Everyday is a gift, and I'll be damned if I let anything ruin this time I have here.
It's terrible knowing that my mother doesn't want me, I feel unwelcome.
It's terrible knowing that my father has total disregard for my happiness.
I feel abandoned.
But I can honestly say even through this, I am still happier than I have ever been here.

a wonderful girl.

and a blood brother who sticks by me.

how could I want to ever leave that? Why should I be forced to?

On a different note, I got my passenger seat back and I get to get two cavities filled tomorrow.

Current mood: King Conan

Current music: People Falling On Punji Sticks.

8:58PM

I feel like bashing open my head and looking at my brains in the mirror.
Play around with them.
Maybe eat some.
I feel really overwhelmed.
Very frustrated.
I just want to be happy.
It inconviniences everyone else though.
I don't want to be in the house with my father.
I wish it was cold.
I wish I was in pajama pants and socks, with a hoodie.
I wish I was under the stars.
I wish I couldn't see out of my windshield again.
These wishes make me feel so much better.

Current mood: Corpse

Current music: Hope

10:44PM - Wish You Were Here

What a jam packed day today.
School.
Then outback to get my tipshare.
29.00 dollars.
Then WaWa.
25 on gas.
Went to my old neighborhood, it was kind of weird. Where everything was when it was all somewhat simpler. I loved that house.
Then Mattawomen.
Mrs. Raney said I looked so much different.
I believe thin and clean were the words used.
I used to be fat and dirty, I suppose. WONDERFUL.
Then to Hoch's to consult him with a little apprenticeship with art.
That went well. He said he was impressed with my art.
Then to Weston's to pick his sick black ass up.
Then to Hotlicks, possible new job.
I'm going to work two, if I can't handle them both.
I'm going to give one of them up.
Hotlicks, something I would love doing...
Outback, something stable and something I am now comfortable with and where I can make more money...
I was afraid shit like this was going to happen.
Then to the mall, to get Weston's schedule and biscuits.
Then took Weston back home.
I went home.
Dad was in a bad mood.
I was told if I gave him the look that I gave him again that he would "punch my fucking face in"
If he would have I wouldn't be going to Texas. That's a plus... the minus being a broken jaw... sacrifices are necessary though.
Then outline.... which sucked...


Dentist tomorrow, and some more togo training... WONDERFUL!

Current mood: BeetleJuice

11:36PM - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

So here I am sitting by my lonesome. Watching a good ol' Spaghetti Western classic. Reeling in the sweet bliss of being off of work, very tired. Going to start ToGo on Monday. Going to sleep real deep tonight. Going to paint up something fierce tomorrow. My head is shaved. I have nothing to do tomorrow. Need to go to A.C. Moore and buy some Linseed oil. I'll probably just sit around. What a horrible life, loss of hope. I want a Mexican Pancho, and a Sombrero. Matter of fact. I want to be Clint Eastwood. If he is un happy he would just shoot people. That must mean I should go on a killing spree. My neck hurts really bad. So do my arms, fuck kegs and carrying huge racks of mugs a bazillion at a time. So much to complain about, but it's just not worth it.

Current mood: frustrated

Current music: the slow fade of love

12:42AM - Frustration.

I'm watching The Girl Next Door, I don't think it is the movie to best to suit my mood. The good guy wins in this one. I don't feel much like a winner. Nor a good guy. More or less a horrible one. Maybe if I moved tomorrow things would get better for everyone. I think they would. They would. Things would become more simple, for everyone else. Except for me, but I'm becoming stronger. My back can carry more and more as the days go on. But that would mean I would have given up. I am not going to give up, it's to important to give up. It's to important to me. I am amazingly frustrated. I feel like a little lost kid. What the fuck am I going to do?

Current mood: Greenish.

Current music: The Aroma of Oil Paints.

9:03PM - A lot is going to happen this my last year.

I'm going to learn a lot this year. Not much social interaction in my classes, more or less a little bit of uncomfort. But nothing I won't get over. I've taken a look around the school, all I see for the most part is ugly. I want to stand up and slit the school's neck. Bleed it of all the impurities it holds. Things are confusing, and wonderful, and horrible all at the same time. I need to work a lot. (a grasshopper just hopped out of my lamp... and scared the bajesus out of me.) I need money. I'm tired of coming home to this house. It's the last place I want to be. It's lonely. Dirty. I think my art is really going to grow this year. At least I really hope so. I think I am going to start painting, and a goal I have for ceramics this year is to make a sculpture that scares me. I don't know what my focus should be for Advanced Art, I was thinking demented faces, ugly, dirty souls, something like that I don't really know yet. I need to relax, my shoulders are in a pinch. Feel like jumping out of my skin. I'm so tired.

Current mood: Green.

Current music: Iron Maiden, Killers

1:44AM - All Hail Baphomet.

Current mood: Immortal

9:33PM

I'm the answer.
The cure.
I'm the butcher.
Bullets for teeth.
A thirst for blood.
Pig's heads on pikes.
Intestine line the floor.
The crack of your arm snaps me out of bliss.
I want to slit my throat with your spinal chord.
pick my rotten teeth with your rotten bones.
teach your guts what a knife feels like.
make you taste pain.
it isn't the blood running up your throat.
it's not the fact that you can't find your legs.
it's not that i plan on eating you after you die.
I'll teach you pain.
look at the corpses hanging from the ceiling.
The mosaic of human skin.
I'll bleed the pain from you.
strip you bare.
tear the skin off your bones.
baptize you in your own dirty blood.
make you new again.
Because I am the butcher.
I am the cure.

1:16PM - Learning to Fly.

I feel like I could leave tomorrow and everything would go on just fine without me, when I would be broken hearted. I suppose I am just real lonely today. I feel abandoned. Like nothing needs me. I think there are some things that do, but not as much as I need them. It's really hard. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do.

Current mood: Abandoned.

5:54PM - Yellow Rose.

I don't want to be here.
I want to go home.
I want to bring presents home.
and make everyone happy.

I'm a soldier today, I have bullets for teeth.

I long for butterflies and stars.
I miss them.

I want to sleep in my bed.

I can't concentrate on anything here.
It's too hard.


Good food though, going to get cowboy boots and hopefully an awesome belt buckle on saturday.
Going to six flags on sunday.

realy worried things are going to be diffrent when I get back.
worse.

I come back tuesday.

Current mood: lonely

Current music: my thoughts.

5:11PM - I have no one to talk to.

today was going to be such a good day. so much to look forward to. i had hope for today.
the day just committed suicide.

Current mood: hopeless.

Current music: The Cure.

5:20PM - Death and Hatred To Mankind.

I hath recieved my Drivers License.

Current mood: impatient

Current music: Faith No More

12:12AM - Help Me.

I'm moving to Texas in the spring. I have no say so.

I'm going to be in Ohio for a week with my mother and her fucked up family, along with her boring ass fiance.

She thinks I should move, and doesn't want me to move in with her.

I'm a failure in school. Due to one F in Art.

I was told I am the reason my dad is miserable and I am the one who is ruining his life.

He is going to marry his girlfriend of 3 months, who lives in Texas.

My mother gets married in October.

I have no girlfriend. No one to talk to. No one to take care of me.

No drivers license.

My learners expires September 7th.

My car insurance is going to cost 231 dollars a month.

I have to get up at 4:30 and go on six hour car ride with my mother and her fiance.

I'm wide awake, I just got off of work. I'm the only one out of all the new people we have at work who really does any work. They are little, and weak. I change all the kegs. I lift all of the cracked 200 pound garbage cans over my head and get the drippings it contains all over my face. I take all the shit if they aren't doing work and I'm the one told to "step it up."

FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.

Current mood: pissed off